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September 2009

Want to meet someone? Get out of the house!

In the following weeks, we are going to explore some great places to meet to scope out potential dates.  First up...

Coffee Shops, Juice Bars & Bookstores

Bookstores with coffee shops are great locales to make new friends.  Try scoping out approachable people in sections of the bookstore that reflect your interests.  With all those book titles, you've got thousands of potential conversation starters.  If you spot someone interesting, check out the book section they're browsing, and if you know something about the subject, speak up.  If you don't, pick up a book and ask if they know anything about the author you're perusing.  Once you've broken the ice, suggest a move over to the coffee area for some more conversation.  It's a great way to get to know someone a bit without the pressure of a traditional date.


“It’s Just Lunch” and American Way In Flight Magazine Reveal That When It Comes to Dating, There’s Little Time To Make A Good Impression

66% Decide in Just a Half Hour Whether They Will See Other Person Again; 25% of Respondents Have Met Someone They Were Interested in Dating on an Airplane

SAN DIEGO, CA (September 8, 2009) – Recently-polled readers of American Way, the in flight magazine of American Airlines say that when on a first date, 66% of them will decide in just a half hour whether they will see the other person again.  Sixteen percent say they make the decision in the first five minutes, and another five percent of total respondents know “immediately.”

The survey, conducted jointly by the magazine and specialty dating service It’s Just Lunch, found that 22% of the respondents would give the other person a bit more time - one hour, total.  Only 13% of respondents would give their date more than one hour to make the cut for the second date. 

Particularly speedy was the 21-39 year old sub-set of survey-takers, a full 20% of whom need only 5 minutes.  The 40-49 year olds are slightly more patient, with 33% allowing their dates more than one hour to make a second date-worthy first impression.  Keeping things balanced, however, was the fact that the men and women seemed to take about the same amount of time to size each other up.

It’s Just Lunch President, Irene LaCota, finds these results interesting, but not surprising.  “Especially in today’s society, we’re so used to both demanding and getting instant information, that we’ve become a bit impatient and closed off, sometimes to our own detriment,” she said. 

What factors are these singles taking into consideration during that time period, which might sway them in one direction or another?  The majority of respondents - 54% - cited “No physical attraction.”  “Lack of personality” was selected by 48% of respondents; “Boring conversation” by 46%; “No shared interests” by 39%; and “Different outlook on life” by 38%.

Once they had made it to the second date, respondents varied on how many additional dates they would need before they could tell if the other was “right” for them.  For the majority of respondents, 62%, that determination was made in 2-4 dates.  16% knew after only one date.  Thirteen percent gave it 5-7 dates; 3% 8-10 dates; and for 6% it took more than 10 dates.  Interestingly, the number of people who needed “more than 10 dates” increased steadily as respondents got older, ranging from 4% for the 21-29 year olds to 15% of the respondents who were over 60.

A date’s income – a topic that It’s Just Lunch doesn’t feel should be a factor before a first date – was, for the purposes of this survey, “Somewhat important” to 56% of respondents.  Fourteen percent of total respondents said it was “Very important” and only 16% considered it “Not important at all.”    Interestingly, a full 76% of women said that income was “somewhat” to “very” important, as compared to only 42% of men. 

Additional findings from the 2009 IJL/American Way magazine survey include:

  • On average, how many dates do you go on per year?  The majority, 37% of respondents reported going on 1-5 dates annually.  Twenty-three percent went on 6-10, 19% on 11-25, and 9% on over 25 dates per year.  Twelve percent of respondents reported that they did not date at all. 

  • How do you typically meet dates?  When asked by IJL and American Wayhow they typically meet dates, only 14% of respondents are meeting at a restaurant or bar.  A full 21% met through a dating service, compared to the 27% who met online.  Other reported ways of meeting included through a friend or family member (38%), at work or through colleagues (20%), and through a shared hobby (15%).

  • Which statement sums up your dating beliefs most accurately?  When asked by American Way and It’s Just Lunch about their dating beliefs, 81% felt there were many potential matches they could be happy with.  Nineteen percent, on the other hand, reported “there is one true love for each person in the world.” 

  • What is the most difficult thing about dating?  Fifty-two percent of passengers responding to the It’s Just Lunch/American Way poll said the most difficult thing about dating was meeting a person they were compatible with.  Thirty-six percent cited meeting other singles as their challenge.  Nine percent reported that it was simply hard to find time in their schedule. 

Since this survey was taken by passengers of American Airlines, 25% of respondents replied that they had met someone they might be interested in dating on an airplane.

LaCota summed up the survey this way: “When it comes to dating, we may all want to try to slow things down, relax some of our rules, and give people a bit of a chance before we come to a final conclusion about them.  Life has a way of pleasantly surprising you if you are patient.” 

About the Survey

The It’s Just Lunch/American Waymagazine survey of 2,772 respondents was conducted online, from May 1, 2009 through June 30, 2009. 

About It’s Just Lunch

It's Just Lunch is a specialized dating service for busy singles.  IJL’s first date specialists save busy singles from the frustration of having to search through seas of online profiles, or play endless e-mail tag.  The company, which has arranged more than two million first dates in the past 18 years, handles everything in a personalized and efficient manner – from finding the right matches to making all the arrangements for a date, at a nice location for lunch, brunch or after-work drinks.  It's Just Lunch was founded in 1991 and has grown to service over 150 cities within the U.S. and internationally, and has many wonderful success stories.  For more information, please visit www.itsjustlunch.com.

About American Way magazine

American Way Magazine is the award-winning in flight magazine of American Airlines and American Eagle Airlines. 


Keep Your Checklists in Check

Andrea-web By: Andrea Syrtash, Host of "On Dating"

I knew a guy – let’s call him Rob – who polled all of his friends to find out if the woman he was dating was hot. She was. She was also so insecure that she competed with every woman in his life (including his sister), and was rude to wait-staff.  Had Rob asked us if his girlfriend was kind, thoughtful or fun most of us would answer with a resounding ‘not really!’

 

Over the 10 weeks or so that Rob and the hot (but not so cool) woman dated, I noticed that he rarely spoke about how he felt about his girlfriend. Rather, he said things like, “You should see the way other guys look at her! She’s nice to walk into a party with…” One day I responded, “Do you like her as much when she walks into your house? Are you into her and do you respect her when nobody else is looking?”  I believe this is a question each of us should ask ourselves with the person we are dating if we are looking for a long-term commitment as my friend Rob was. After all, most of our lives with someone exist inside those walls. Rob nodded but his reaction made it obvious that this woman would not be his future wife.

 

So many of us use pre-determined checklists when dating that have little to do with our big picture goals or with what will make us genuinely happy with another person. In dating, and in life for that matter, we must learn to differentiate between immediate gratification and long-term fulfillment. We must pay more attention to how we feel than what other people may think.

 

It’s certainly important to be attracted to the woman you are with; but don’t let that overshadow your better judgment about how she may be a few months or years from now as your wife and potentially the mother of your children.  

 

I don’t believe you should settle when you settle down, but I do believe that you should devise checklists that more accurately reflect your values - - with what is truly important to you, rather than following a list full of superficial criteria. For this reason, I have devised a few new ‘love-lists’ that may help you determine whether someone feels like a match – or not:

 

1)      Record five qualities that you ‘must have’ and five qualities that you ‘can’t stand’ in a potential mate. You are entitled to some superficial deal-breakers, of course, but by choosing only 10 qualities, you are more likely to focus you on what is truly important to you.

 

2)     Consider my four essential ingredients to a successful relationship: Is your mate a good partner, lover, companion and friend? It’s not enough to find a good friend if you don’t want to be with her in the bedroom, and you won’t be satisfied marrying a great lover if she’s a terrible partner.

 

3)     I know you like her - - but do you like who you are with her? Does she bring out the best in you? Does she challenge you without trying to change you?  These are the kind of questions that I believe each of us should ask before we pair off with one person.

 

 

I once heard someone say that he can’t describe the perfect woman just as he can’t describe a beautiful and inspiring piece of art before he sees it. In the end, it’s really not about adding things up neatly on paper. You are more likely to find dating success when you chose a connection over a checklist.



Why You Should Drop Your Checklist

Evan-web By: Evan Marc Katz, Author of "Why You're Still Single: Thing Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad" 

It’s a fact that most of us have mental checklists describing the qualities of our ideal mate.

Some authors even encourage you to write these things down, to clarify your goals. This can be a useful exercise. But because I don’t want you to work too hard, I’m going to do it for you. You want someone who is:

1)      Attractive

2)      Honest

3)      Intelligent

4)      Kind

5)      Funny

6)      Financially Stable

This is entirely normal. Then again, you probably ALSO want someone who is:

7)      Loyal

8)      Family-oriented

9)      Passionate

10)  Generous

11)  Interesting

12)  Confident

Solid list, huh? Except the list gets longer when you really think about it...

13)  Fit

14)  Chivalrous

15)  Charming

16)  Ambitious

17)  Sexy

18)  Creative

In case you’re wondering, there is nothing wrong with this list. Except that it can keep going and going and going. For each quality you add, there’s another justifiable reason that a man is not suited for you.

Maybe he’s got 17 out of 18 qualities, except he’s…

Not close with family. That’s a big one. After all, you’re tight with yours and you think it’s strange that he doesn’t enjoy spending time with his brothers every Thanksgiving.

Not confident. He’s an amazing guy, but he just tries so damn hard to please that you can’t even respect him. If he just grew a pair, he’d be perfect!

Not sexy. You know what it’s like to feel lust and you just don’t feel it with him. You can’t go the rest of your life without that chemical rush.

We can continue, of course, but I think you see the point. It’s not that any of these desires are unimportant. It’s that, no matter what, you’re ALWAYS going to find a dealbreaker.

Even when you’re getting 17 out of 18 of your needs met, you’ll pick the ONE that makes you want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

It’s easy to turn everything into a dealbreaker. It’s a lot harder to forgive a date’s negative traits. Yet nothing’s more important. Nothing. Seriously, if my wife didn’t forgive a

LOT

of bad qualities, I could very easily be a 37-year-old single dating coach right now.


This reminds me of a question I got at a book signing for “Why You’re Still Single”. At the end, a woman challenged me about a chapter called “Tip Your Baggage Handler”: “I am a smart, strong, successful, beautiful, independent woman,” she said. “I have everything going for me. So why should I have to accept a man with baggage?”

I thought about it for a half-second, smiled, and replied, “The only reason to accept a man’s baggage… is because you want a man to accept your baggage.”

And that’s what we forget. If you’re overlooking the fact that he’s not that funny, ambitious or book smart, believe me, he’s overlooking a bunch of things, too.

If everything’s a dealbreaker, it’s no surprise that it’s next to impossible to strike a deal.

 

Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach and the author of “Why You’re Still Single”. Learn to create your own success in dating by picking up his free eBook, “The 5 Massive Mistakes You’re Making in Your Love Life” at www.evanmarckatz.com/newsletter.html