By: Andrea Syrtash, Host of "On Dating"
I knew a guy – let’s call him Rob – who polled all of his friends to find out if the woman he was dating was hot. She was. She was also so insecure that she competed with every woman in his life (including his sister), and was rude to wait-staff. Had Rob asked us if his girlfriend was kind, thoughtful or fun most of us would answer with a resounding ‘not really!’ Over the 10 weeks or so that Rob and the hot (but not so cool) woman dated, I noticed that he rarely spoke about how he felt about his girlfriend. Rather, he said things like, “You should see the way other guys look at her! She’s nice to walk into a party with…” One day I responded, “Do you like her as much when she walks into your house? Are you into her and do you respect her when nobody else is looking?” I believe this is a question each of us should ask ourselves with the person we are dating if we are looking for a long-term commitment as my friend Rob was. After all, most of our lives with someone exist inside those walls. Rob nodded but his reaction made it obvious that this woman would not be his future wife.
So many of us use pre-determined checklists when dating that have little to do with our big picture goals or with what will make us genuinely happy with another person. In dating, and in life for that matter, we must learn to differentiate between immediate gratification and long-term fulfillment. We must pay more attention to how we feel than what other people may think.
It’s certainly important to be attracted to the woman you are with; but don’t let that overshadow your better judgment about how she may be a few months or years from now as your wife and potentially the mother of your children.
I don’t believe you should settle when you settle down, but I do believe that you should devise checklists that more accurately reflect your values - - with what is truly important to you, rather than following a list full of superficial criteria. For this reason, I have devised a few new ‘love-lists’ that may help you determine whether someone feels like a match – or not:
1) Record five qualities that you ‘must have’ and five qualities that you ‘can’t stand’ in a potential mate. You are entitled to some superficial deal-breakers, of course, but by choosing only 10 qualities, you are more likely to focus you on what is truly important to you.
2) Consider my four essential ingredients to a successful relationship: Is your mate a good partner, lover, companion and friend? It’s not enough to find a good friend if you don’t want to be with her in the bedroom, and you won’t be satisfied marrying a great lover if she’s a terrible partner.
3) I know you like her - - but do you like who you are with her? Does she bring out the best in you? Does she challenge you without trying to change you? These are the kind of questions that I believe each of us should ask before we pair off with one person.
I once heard someone say that he can’t describe the perfect woman just as he can’t describe a beautiful and inspiring piece of art before he sees it. In the end, it’s really not about adding things up neatly on paper. You are more likely to find dating success when you chose a connection over a checklist.
