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May 2010

3 Myths That Women Have About Men

Evan-webBy Evan Marc Katz, dating coach and author of the new book, “Why He Disappeared”  

 

I’m not sure if your expectations of men are too high or too low.  I know why you get frustrated with guys who don’t do what you want them to, but I’d like to suggest that most male dating screw-ups are crimes of ignorance, not malice.  In fact, there’s usually a sizable gap between what we’re thinking and what you THINK we’re thinking. Which is why I’d like you to pay close attention to these 3 myths, which will let you know what’s really going through our heads on a date (usually nothing).

 

Myth #1 - He Knows What He’s Looking For.

You may or may not have a physical checklist, but your ideal man is probably taller, smarter, funnier and wealthier than you are.  Men don’t work that way. We’re a lot simpler. In fact, if I were to distill the essence of men’s dating philosophy into one line, it would be this:

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

That doesn’t mean he’s expecting you to sleep with him right away. It means he determines his attraction to you first, and sorts out his feelings later.  You’ve seen this yourself. Guy makes a move on date one and doesn’t call back for date two.  I’m not defending him. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t be too surprised if a guy kisses you and doesn’t know if he wants to see you again. Truth is, he hasn’t thought it through quite yet. All he knows is that he’s attracted to you and will act on it, regardless of whether he sees a future with you.  You’re not wrong for wishing that men were more like you – you’re only mistaken for expecting them to be.

 

Myth #2 - He’s Looking for The Same Qualities As You Are.

This is one of the trickiest things to understand about men.  You value men for being strong, brilliant, hardworking, financially successful, independent and opinionated.  It’s not that men don’t value these qualities in you.  It’s that they value your other traits more: easygoing, vulnerable, soft, feminine, playful, appreciative, warm, friendly, sexy.  The good news is that men don’t dissect women nearly as much as you dissect men.  Did you look cute? Did you flirt with him?  Did he have fun?  If so, he’s probably coming back for another date.

 

Myth #3 - He Knows What He’s Doing.

Sadly, there’s no feedback loop for men who are dating. So if a guy says something off-kilter and doesn’t get a second date, he never learns what he did wrong. As a result, men are not very well-trained in the art of dating.  They don’t know that they’re supposed to make plans with you a week in advance.  They don’t know that they’re supposed to make a decision instead of asking, “What do you want to do?”  They don’t know that they’re supposed to ask you questions, listen to your answers, and not hijack the conversation with a monologue designed to sell themselves.  In other words, most men are like overgrown 3rd grade boys: they’re dying to impress you and would pull your hair to make you like them, if they only knew it would work.

So give them a break. Whatever a guy’s doing, remember: he wants you to like him and he’s doing the best he can. “Forgive the ignorance” and appreciate him for what he does right instead of focusing exclusively on what he does “wrong”.  Just as you’d like him to do for you. 

 

www.evanmarckatz.com


3 Myths That Men Have About Women

Andrea-webBy: Andrea Syrtash, Author of the Upcoming Book "He's Just Not Your Type (And That's a Good Thing)"

 

I’ve never believed in hard and fast rules in dating (or in life, for that matter) -- just smart strategies.There are some dating ‘rules’ floating out there that may actually get you into trouble! Based on interviews I've conducted with single women, here are a few of the rules that we wish men would forget:

 

Myth #1 – If you like a woman, wait three days to call her.

Swingers was a classic 1990s movie, but almost two decades later we’re still quoting Vince Vaughn’s character who confidently proclaimed, “Yeah, two (days) is enough not to look anxious. But I think three days is kind of money.” when referring to how many days should pass before a guy should follow up with a gal he likes.  It’s time to ditch the three day rule! If you like a woman and have a great date, call her and ask her out for another one before 72 hours pass. Women these days lead dynamic and busy lives, and most (the ones you want to date, anyway) are not waiting around for you to get back in touch.

One of the biggest dating mistakes women say that men make is that they don’t take enough initiative. If you like a woman and want to invite her out again, waiting a few days to call may actually cost you a future date.  And on that note, most women report that they would prefer an old-fashioned telephone call rather than a text message when asking them out. (A rule Swingers certainly couldn’t address in 1996!)

 

Myth #2 Women are only interested in guys with lots of money, over six feet tall and who add up perfectly on paper.

Some women may say they want a guy who conforms to a certain superficial checklist, but I have extensive research to support the fact that we ladies fall in love more emotionally than even we realize!  A man who is thoughtful, smart, funny and charismatic who doesn’t have a ‘great’ job or look like a leading man has a great shot at finding love with a fabulous woman.  Confidence is one of the most attractive qualities that anybody can have, regardless of his stats or resume - but don't confuse confidence with cockiness. Which leads me to the last myth…

 

 Myth #3 Nice Guys Finish Last.

When people say that nice guys finish last what they really mean is that boring ones do. Nice and boring are not synonymous! Nobody wants to date a doormat with no opinions of his own but few self-respecting women want to be with a man who is not nice. 

Kindness is consistently ranked as one of the top qualities people look for in a mate. Don’t be fooled into thinking you have to be a jerk to attract a woman. The reality is that if you act like a jerk to get a woman’s interest, you will attract someone who is insecure or someone who you may eventually lose respect for. (There’s nothing worse than treating someone badly and seeing her come back for more.)  Women love kind men. You can be nice and bold. You can listen well and take initiative. None of these qualities are mutually exclusive. In fact, pairing confidence with sensitivity is extremely sexy.

www.andreasyrtash.com