It's Just Lunch :: The Dating Tips Blog

Avoid Dating Disaster - Don't Overshare!

The world has changed a lot in the last 10 ten years. Click on facebook and you can see what your old high school friends had for breakfast. Thousands of strangers blog the random details of their daily lives. People tweet medical procedures and court trials.

In this context it's hard to know, sometimes, what's appropriate to share and what would be considered oversharing. That said, it's important to remember a few key guidelines for sharing/oversharing during your first few dates.  There are some topics of conversation that are almost always a bad idea.

* Don't mention your past relationships, horrible exes, or how difficult it has been for you to get back into the dating game (because you were hurt so badly).  This is not appropriate information for a first or second date.

* Don't mention family problems, or difficult relationships with family members. Wait until you get to know someone before you start airing your family's dirty laundry.

* Don't bring up health issues on the first or second date.  If you're out to eat, order what you can eat (if you have dietary restrictions) without a 5 minute explanation of what you're ordering and why.  Your date doesn't need to know about your medications and chronic illnesses at this stage of the game.

* Don't complain about work or co-workers. It's hard to do this without coming off as a negative person.

The key word here is edit. Edit yourself, thoughtfully, and have fun!

The Next Date Has Nothing to Do With The Last Date

By: Evan Marc Katz, Author of "Why You're Still Single: Thing Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad"

It’s 2011, and if you’re like me, you’ve already made (and broken) your New Years resolution.  Hey, I don’t blame you. I hate working out, too.  But if you’ve resolved, in the back your mind, to make this New Years the last dateless one, I can empathize with you.

Love is important and by joining It’s Just Lunch or any online dating site, you’ve already taken a valuable first step into making it happen.  There’s just one problem.  You don’t really believe it’s going to happen.  You’ve been hurt too many times before.  You’ve spent good money on dating but have nothing to show for it. 

 

You’re recent dating experiences read like a rap sheet: Commitment-phobic. Picky. Boring. Emotionally unavailable. Narcissist. Family issues.  You know the deal.  And because you’ve had no shortage of dates that made you want to give up entirely, you’ve lost sight of one very important thing:

 

The next date has nothing to do with the last date.

 

That’s right.

 

Your last partner cheated on you? That has nothing to do with the next one.  Your previous online date was a flake? Not the new prospect’s fault. You’ve never had a partner treat you consistently well? How is tomorrow’s It’s Just Lunch date to blame for that?  You already know this intellectually.  After all, it’s not your fault if your date’s ex was a selfish, vindictive, backstabbing, emotional rollercoaster.  But wouldn’t it be awful to go out with a person who truly felt that this is how everyone of the opposite sex acted? Who treated you as if you were a criminal, waiting to strike? Whose damage was so deep and walls were so high that you wouldn’t even bother to climb them?  Sure would.

 

You can tell when someone’s been hurt before. He/she questions you as if he’s a prosecutor and you’re the witness – all because he doesn’t want to make the same mistake again. Suddenly you’re not on a date; you’re in an interrogation room.  It’s not fair, it’s not right, and it’s certainly not effective.  So if you’ve been burned, time and again, literally the ONLY thing you can do is shake the Etch-a-Sketch clean and give each new date the benefit of the doubt.  Assume the best and you’ll receive the best.  Assume the worst, and well, you’re probably already doing that.

 

Your dating resolution this year shouldn’t be an action like going to the gym or learning to salsa dance or redoing your bathroom.  All I’m asking you to do is believe that there’s a single person JUST LIKE YOU out there who just hasn’t met you yet.  And watch as that person responds to the new, positive you.

Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach and the author of “Why He Disappeared – The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever”. www.evanmarckatz.com

Holiday Party Dos and Don'ts

What could be more fun than the office holiday party?  

Yes, that was a joke.

For many people, the annual holiday party is a potentially stressful experience. Made more so by the fact of the their single-ness.

Check online, and you'll find plenty of Holiday Party Tips written by PR gurus. Our tips would pass their inspection. But, we know the priority for many smart and savvy singles isn't always networking or career advancement. Rather, sometimes you just want to mingle and see if there are any interesting people at the party worth getting to know (and maybe dating).

With that in mind:

-If the invitation specifically states, "You and a guest" and you are not in a serious romantic relationship - DON'T bring a friend to the party.  We understand the instinct, parties can be intimidating. But this is an opportunity to mingle with colleagues and meet new people.

-DO go alone. We promise, you won't be the only single person there.

-DON'T spend the whole night talking to the same small group of people.  

-DO force yourself to mingle. Set a goal for yourself.  For example, I will talk to 3 new people tonight. It might sound silly, but it works.

-DO enjoy yourself. Eat, drink and be merry.

-DON'T drink too much. Watch yourself and count your drinks, especially if there are waiters constantly refilling your glass. You don't want to be that guy/girl who got drunk at the holiday party and made a fool of themselves.

-DON'T talk about work all night. You have a life outside of work. Or you should. Let people see the whole you.

-DO think about appropriate topics of conversation before the party.  That way you won't be tongue tied all night.

Enjoy the parties and Happy Holidays!

Second Date Success: It's as Simple as 1, 2, 3

You had a good first date and now you're on to date number 2. Congratulations.

We've prepared a few helpful tips to help make your second date every bit as successful as your first.

1)  Be yourself.  Really, be yourself.  This is not the time to start pretending to like new music, hobbies or food.  Be honest about who you are and what you think and feel.  Don't try to impress your date (this goes for men and women).  

S/he will see (eventually) through your dishonesty. And, more importantly, you want to be liked for who you are, not who you pretend to be.

2)  Remember and follow-up on your first date conversation.  Nothing makes a person feel more at ease and appreciated than remembering the details of your prior conversation.  Helpful hint: if you have a bad memory, write yourself a note after the first date to remind yourself of something you'd like to bring up in future conversation.

3)  Be an active listener/ask questions. The foundation of a great second date is a good conversation. This requires listening and asking questions.  It's not hard, but it does require some effort.

Dates on a plane: How to make a love connection at 30,000 feet

Air passengers can be divided into roughly two types: those who chat up their seatmates and those who doggedly avoid it.

I put myself in the latter group, not because I'm anti-social, but because once a conversation starts, I'm worried there'll be no turning it off and I usually have other things to do.

But I know quite a few people who've struck up friendships -- or more -- from encounters at 30,000 feet. My friends Dave and Daphne met on a flight from Boise to Phoenix 20-some years ago and they're still happily (as far as I know) married.

PJ Osgood, founder of the matchmaking service It's Just Lunch was in the no-chat camp until recently when she met a guy from a flight between Houston and Chicago and they decided to share a cab into the city.

"We had this great conversation and we exchanged business cards and the next day we went out to dinner," Osgood says.

A love connection was not to be (no chemistry, she says), but he was worth meeting, and this got Osgood, a frequent traveler, thinking she's been missing opportunities aloft.

First off, if you're a busy professional, she reasons, your chances are high of meeting other busy professionals while flying. And since being on a plane is "like detention, you've got all this time when you can connect with someone," you might as well put it to good use.

The last time I was seated next to someone attractive enough for me to entertain any notions of connectedness, it was on a flight to Salt Lake City and he was a Mormon father of five. But being a professional matchmaker, Osgood is way ahead of me on this.

Among her strategies:

• When open seating (a la the Southwest Airlines' model) is an option, go for it. Board somewhere in the middle of the pack so by the time you're walking down the aisle, you can assess who you might want to sit next to. Then, take the middle seat. (Oh, yeah, she adds, check the ring finger; she's not advocating adultery.)

• Carry business cards. If you do hit it off, exchanging cards is a natural way to exchange information.

• Be generous. If you have free drink coupons, for instance, offering to share is a great ice breaker.

• If you're headed in the same general direction once you land, consider sharing a cab or shuttle.

"It's important to look approachable by putting away the laptop or turning off the iPod," Osgood says. "You never know when you're going to find that person you connect with."

This post, By Jayne Clark, originally appeared in USAToday Travel. Click here for the original.