It's Just Lunch :: The Dating Tips Blog

Dating, Chemistry and Timing

After interviewing a lot of single men and women on their dating experiences, It’s Just Lunch managed to get some real, inside information on what men and women are really looking for when they meet someone for the first time. We’ve offered tips on making a good first impression, flirting and wordplay, and tips for both sexes on what they expect out of someone on a first date. However, through all the tips and tricks, sometimes it just comes down to chemistry and timing. So what are those two seemingly nebulous yet important parts of a date?

 

You Can’t Force Chemistry… But You Can Coax It Along

So what is chemistry? Most people aren’t sure exactly what it is, but they know it when they feel it. If you have good chemistry with someone, such as on a first date, you’ll want to pursue more time with him or her. If there is bad chemistry, then it’s unlikely you’ll want to see each other again. Whatever the case, most singles – almost 66% of our respondents – said that chemistry is the single most important part of a first date; more so than even initial compatibility. While a couple may not be perfect on paper, a first date may reveal a lot more than what is in a profile. In fact, almost 44% of singles said that if they “felt comfortable being themselves” it meant the first date was a success. And listen up, ladies: 49% of men said that being able to feel comfortable as themselves on a first date was a sure sign of a good one.

 On occasion, there will be times where a first date will reveal no chemistry whatsoever. While this isn’t a bad thing, it might mean that one person wasn’t comfortable opening up, or perhaps there was mutual defensiveness on both sides. Again, while you can’t necessarily force chemistry, you can take some of the tips we have covered on www.itsjustlunchblog.com to help coax it in the right direction.

 

Confidence Has A Lot To Do With Interviewing… That, and Timing

The comparison may seem a little cold, but let’s face it: first dates are very much like interviews. Exude confidence, be comfortable in your own skin, be interested and kind to your first date, and chances are you’ll get a second one. However, there is a window in which most people decide on whether or not they’ll want to see someone again. According to our respondents, 44% of women and 46% of men decide within the first twenty minutes whether or not a second date is in the cards. The good news is that since a previous survey in 2004, both men and women are gradually deciding later and later in the date as to whether or not they want to see each other again. For example, in 2004, almost 80% of guys decided whether or not to take a woman out again within the first 15 minutes!

 

Dating Material or Relationship Material?

If the chemistry and compatibility is right, most men and women start thinking about when they want see each other again. However, are they merely thinking about a second date, or are they thinking about a relationship? Hold on to your hats, guys: 45% reflected on a first date and then asked yourselves, “Is she relationship material?” On the other hand, almost 51% of women are more likely to consider whether they want a second date or not, while 39% asked themselves if a guy was relationship material.

Even though it seems a lot can happen within the first hour of a date that makes a single decide whether or not they want to see someone again, the best thing to do is just slow it down. Dating, and much like the relationships that can follow, are marathons; not sprints. With all the complex intricacies that can occur on in a first date, it’s tough to expect perfection. If we let our guards down a bit and relax, have fun, be comfortable in our own skin and make our dates comfortable in theirs, you’ll never know what kind of surprises you’ll discover.

 

dating advice, first dates, timing, chemistry, It’s Just Lunch, dating tips

20 Years of First Dates – Part 3: First Date Tips for Women. Kindness is Key

Magazines and advice columns often say being standoffish or playing “hard-to-get” is an attractive quality in women that men notice. We’re going to debunk that theory. If you’re on a first date, don’t play coy, ladies. This is a chance to get to know someone. You’ve agreed to go on a date with a guy; be kind and approachable and you’ll radiate attractiveness. 

1. Dress for Success: Give a guy an opportunity to use those compliments he has saved up for you and dress like you’re interested, whether it’s an intimate dinner date or a casual walk in the park. Style points count toward chemistry.
2. Be On Time: While you really shouldn’t be late for anything, being late for a first date can be a mood-killer for men. Trust us.
3. Kindness is Key: Whether it’s directed toward your date or toward the wait staff, 34% of singles mentioned kindness as the most important character trait in a partner.
4. Avoid Negativity: Leave unflattering remarks about your ex-boyfriend, your boss, your family at the door. And avoid self-deprecation too.  Men appreciate a positive attitude. 
5. Be Light and Playful: While going on a first date might often feel like a job interview, there isn’t any reason to make it stay that way. Create banter and levity and your date will appreciate it and respond. You’re meeting someone new—enjoy yourself!
6. Make Eye Contact: See #9 in the men’s first date tips section below; replace “her” with “him” and “she’ll” with “he’ll.”
7. Smile: It’s not surprising that in our It’s Just Lunch survey, well over half of singles polled said a simple smile is the most attractive physical feature a date can flash. Use it.
8. Pay Him a Compliment: While he’s trying to make you feel comfortable and at ease, try and return the favor too. It’s all part of chemistry-creation.
9. Avoid Political Posturing: Intellectual conversation is stimulating as well as sexy, but leave strong opinions at the door. You’re on a date; not at a debate.
10. Show a Different Side: If you show a softer side, it makes it easier for your date to find common ground with you. Relax and be open toward him. You’ll develop a better connectionr that way.

20 Years of First Dates – Part 1: First Impressions

In honor of 20 years of setting up first dates between singles around the world, It’s Just Lunch recently produced a survey based on our experiences—trust us, we’ve had a lot! From first impressions, to chemistry, to timing, we’ll share our findings with you over the next few months and give you the inside scoop on tips that are timeless, tips that are played-out, and modern tips that may add a fresh edge to your love life. Enjoy!

Did you know that you have approximately 20 minutes to make a good impression – or avoid a bad one – on a first date? The reason is it takes about that much time for singles to decide whether or not to see someone again. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to pull out all the stops in the first 20 minutes in order to impress someone; however, it does mean that there are two little things you can do to give yourself an advantage and keep a date intrigued.

Ask Questions, Remember the Golden Rule

So what is a first date all about again? It’s a chance to get to know someone. And you certainly can’t get to know someone without asking questions. Therefore, don’t spend the whole date talking about you. It’s so easy these days to get bogged down in what’s going on in our own lives, that we don’t take time to sincerely ask what’s going on with other people’s lives. The key is, be self-aware; if you know you enjoy talking a lot, take a chance to shift the conversation. If you know you’re shy, then this is your chance to speak up. Confidence is key.

Also, there is nothing more unattractive than being rude or dismissive of those serving you coffee, lunch or dinner, driving you in a cab, and so on. Remember the Golden Rule when you’re out with a new companion; trust us, your date will notice and react positively.

Avoid Deal Breakers, Avoid Deals

According to another set of first impression criteria, It’s Just Lunch respondents came back at us with a few deal breakers that could derail the potential for a second date. Among them; answering a phone call or text, drinking too much, being late, and not having any interests in common. Unless it’s an absolute emergency, put the phone away during a date— you can’t get to know someone if your distracted by calls and texts. Keep the alcohol use to a minimum and don’t show up late (and whatever you do, do not show up late and drunk.) However the biggest deal breaker is, not surprisingly, a lack of common interests. Sometimes, you might find you don’t have anything in common with your date, and that’s ok. Relax, and don’t push it.

Also, a new trend in dating is deciding on whether or not to bring an online coupon, such as a Groupon or Living Social deal to a first date. Our advice? Ditch it. Only 20% of our respondents said it’s a smart idea. We agree with the majority that it looks both tacky and cheap.

So, Would You Like to Have Dinner Again…

You managed to avoid first impression pitfalls, had great conversation, and had a pretty good first date; so what next? Arranging date number two has often been the source of mystery and speculation, among both men and women, for a long time. On one hand you don’t want to seem to aloof, but on the other you don’t want to look desperate. We’ll cover the ins-and-outs of what makes a first date great later in our series, but the bottom line is: if you think a date went well, then simply call and ask for a second! The vast majority of our respondents – 65% of them – said picking up the phone and asking is the best way to secure a second date. Also, the “wait two days rule” is very 1990s. Why not the next day? Now is as good a time as any.

Men are more interested in a relationship than women?

In our 2011 Dating Trends survey we asked singles: “When you are on a first date, what thought is going through your head?”  We received an unexpected result: not only did men and women have different top answers, but the first choice given by 47% of men, “Could we have a relationship together?” was one that in the past would have seemed more typical of women.  Instead, women’s top answer, given by 50% of those polled, was the less stressful “Do I want to see him again?”  Our Dating Trends surveys are beginning to show that men and women are becoming more alike in their dating habits and in some areas, they’re beginning to trade places.  Another area where men and women are becoming more alike, especially over the last seven years, is in how fast they decide on a first date whether or not they want to see someone again. In 2004, there was a huge disparity, where 79% of men took fifteen minutes or less--and 64% of women took an hour or more! In 2011, 60% of men and 55% of women take twenty minutes or less. Unfortunately these results are not surprising.  We are so used to demanding and getting instant information that we are beginning to become impatient and closed off, sometimes to our own detriment.  

So what should we do?  Maybe we all should slow down a bit when meeting someone for the first time.  Give the relationship time to develop.

Road Romance: How to Meet Other Singles While Traveling

If you’re flying to Vegas with a group of friends on a weekend getaway, heading to San Diego with a friend for some warmth and relaxation, or going solo to New York to explore the streets of Manhattan or Brooklyn, one thing is for sure: your destination will be filled with singles to meet. The tricky thing is; how do you meet them?  One of the most daunting tasks for a traveler going to an  unfamiliar city is figuring out where to start. Sometimes it’s fun just to let your intuition do the exploring— after all, a little adventure is part of the fun, right? We’ll provide a few It’s Just Lunch travel tips to help you get started.

 Ok, so you found a decent fare on Kayak.com or burned some of those miles from business traveling. Time to look at places to stay. If at all possible, avoid the more well-known hotel brands and check out a local boutique or even boutique chain. For example, hotels such as the Hotel del Arts in San Francisco and Thor(The Hotel on Rivington) in New York City cater to locals as well as visitors with superb aesthetics and upscale lounges and restaurants. The W Hotel group are famous for their lounge-like lobbies, which cater to young professionals seeking after work libations.

 And speaking of libations, your next mission is to have a plan-of-attack on where to mingle. Your first step is to avoid dive bars, sports bars, and clubs. Instead, check out a local wine bar, especially if you have a nose for reds, whites and the bubbly; or check out a specialty cocktail lounge. These new brand of bars have expert “mixologists” ready to serve up unique, handcrafted drinks. They may take a bit more time to mix than a regular vodka and tonic, but they’ll be well worth the wait—and serve as excellent conversation starters. Imbibe magazine recently covered the top 100 specialty cocktail lounges in the South if you need some ideas on what to look for.

 If you’re interested in looking for a scene that doesn’t revolve around alcohol, there are plenty of options out there. Your best bet is to pick up a copy of the local independent weekly. Newsprint may be dying, but local papers are thriving and they often have the best source of information on art openings, music shows, museum exhibitions, festivals, comedy shows, and so on. And speaking of information, one thing that locals will look for in an independent weekly are restaurant openings or restaurant reviews. The former is risky, but restaurant openings usually offer a simplified menu, and if you’re a foodie you’ll have plenty of opportunities to chat up with other food-loving risk-takers, or even a server. The latter means you’ll have an accurate idea of what kind of dining to expect, but a good review means it may be tough to secure a table. In that case, lean on your hotel concierge (which we’ll be covering a bit later.)

Finally, and we can’t emphasize this enough, but be sure to tap into your social network for fun places to see and/or be seen. Whether it’s updating a status on Facebook, posting a Tweet, or simply shooting a quick text to a local friend, you’ll quickly be inundated with a wealth of info that will get your vacation started off right. And who knows? They may have some single friends willing to help you and your friends explore.