By Evan Marc Katz, dating coach and author of the new book, “Why He Disappeared”.
I just got off the phone with a woman who came to me for dating coaching.
She told me she was the youngest vice president at her company.
She told me she was starting up her own entrepreneurial side venture.
She told me she was training for a marathon.
She told me she didn’t have time to waste with online dating.
She told me she was extremely picky when it came to men.
I immediately thought of two things. One, I said aloud. The other, I kept to myself. First, I told her that she’d have to shift her priorities and create time for love. If she’s putting 60 hours a week into work and 0 into love, that ratio had to shift. She replied that she’d make time for “the right guy”, but until then, she’d be focused on pursuing her own goals.
Fair enough, I pointed out. However, if she’s booked solid with two jobs and marathon training, it would be very difficult for “the right guy” to show up in her life.
Where could he possibly meet her?
Not when she’s making pro-forma projections late at night for her new company. Not when she’s in a series of closed-door meetings at her current company. Not when she’s doing 10 miles early on Thursday morning. And if she wasn’t willing to scale back on the relentless pursuit of perfection and give a fraction of that time to the dating process, I said that I couldn’t help her. She was shocked to hear this. But it doesn’t matter how effective I am at my job if a woman won’t make any sacrifices to pursue love. It’s like a personal trainer at the gym. He can tell you how to lose weight, but if you don’t want to wake up at 6am, cut out carbs after 6, eat more vegetables, and sweat four times a week, then he can’t really do his job.
The fact is: we all do what we want in life.
I’m writing this piece for It’s Just Lunch because it’s more fun than writing a newsletter. When I finish, I’ll check my fantasy football scores, because that’s more fun, too. And if I never get around to writing my not-so-fun newsletter to my list of readers, my business will die. By avoiding the hard work, I never actually conquer my problem – I just avoid it.
You may have signed up for It’s Just Lunch because you don’t have time to date, because the online dating process was inefficient, or because you want someone to hand you a partner without you having to do anything different. But that makes me think of the other thing that I said to that woman last night.
“What does someone get out of dating you?” If I’m a man and I’m free to choose my ideal partner, do I want the woman who cares so little about a relationship that she isn’t willing to make time for it? Do I want the woman who is working so hard at two jobs that she never has the chance to hang out after work? Do I want the woman whose marathon training is more important to her than falling in love, getting married and having a family?
No, I don’t. And if you’re a woman reading this, you shouldn’t want a man who doesn’t make time for you either. So the reason to make time for the ups and downs of dating is not because it’s always the easiest or most fun thing to do; it’s because if you don’t do it, you’ll never find the partner you truly deserve.
Evan Marc Katz is a dating coach and the author of “Why He Disappeared – The Smart, Strong, Successful Woman’s Guide to Understanding Men and Keeping the Right One Hooked Forever”. www.evanmarckatz.com